Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Deployment Day 31: Reality from "the one left behind"

I miss Chad. I miss him terribly. I miss the campanionship of an adult coming home in the late afternoon, taking the boys to play, while I gather my barings, begin dinner, and just hearing an adult's voice in this house. So far it's not been to bad, but then there's nights like tonight where although I'm feeling tired, the thought of climbing into that empty, cold bed is bringing tears to my eyes. A queen sized bed is meant to be shared with the man that you love. It's cold here in Germany, I mean REALLY, REALLY cold. Even with all the radiators on high, there's still a slight chill. I want nothing more right now than to climb into bed and be able to just cuddle into Chad and have him pull me into him tightly as I drift off to sleep.

The boys are starting to show the effects of deployment, acting out a little more and not listening like well. Our youngest is in true 2 yr old form, so I shouldn't be so shocked at the antics he pulls at times, yet well I am. Our oldest at times I just look at him and feel like someone or thing has taken over him. Bedtime is the worst. It should be a peaceful time, and it's turning into our own little war, ok maybe more of a battle...but still it's truly NO FUN. I do not like raising my voice to them as they drift off to sleep or should be drifting off to sleep. I want the last thing they hear to be "Amen" and "I love you's" and kisses and hugs...not "GET TO SLEEP NOW, RIGHT NOW"...There are times I come out of their room and just cry, because I feel so utterly frustrated. I know it's their time to adjust and test their boundaries, I really know this is all normal, but when you're in the midst of it, it doesn't make it any easier when all you want is a 2 yr old to just STAY IN BED!

I doubt I'll ever understand the minds of these boys anyways, but between getting out the elmer's glue because they climbed to the top of a shelf and got out one of the art bags, which led to the 2 yr old getting dots of glue on the side of the bed, on his sheets, on one of the many horses he's obsessed with, on a book page, on his sheets, and evidently in his hair on on his chest (although the last two were not discovered until after he woke up from his nap and the back of his head was matted up from the glue and it was flaking off his neck and chest...ah nothing like 2 I tell you) What really amazes me is how quickly children do these things. I had JUST put them in their rooms this afternoon for their nap, I heard them still up just 3 or 5 minutes later and discovered the glue. I'm still in shock they managed to get the bag down, because it was up HIGH. It's distressing really.

Well there's just a little bit of reality from me, the one left behind, guess you got reality of the 2 and 4 yr old too.

BTW...Chad's on much more limited online time right now, I am hoping he will get a chance to update, but who knows. We are still getting to chat often, but we won't get to use the webcams for a couple weeks because the place he normally goes to, the unit that mans that is low staffed because they had to do more mission related things and well the fact is an internet cafe is not priority in a war zone...but I am thankful he at least has another place to go and chat and he can see US, which I really hope helps me!

Also, for those who are preparing care packages for Chad, please, please email me if I have not sent you his address. I know I'm a total flake on that to a few of you and I just ask that you forgive me. Thank you for caring enough to want to send Chad a smile and showing him that you care about what he's doing.

God Bless


lv2trnscrb said...

Christy; sending you a cyber hug.......I have no wise words tonight......just know you are loved and prayed for daily.


mikalsgrl said...


Today sounds like one of those days for you....and I am sorry it has been a little more rough than usual. I am sure you will hit your peaks and valley's and I hope you are reminded that even though we can't fill Chad's boots.....we can fill your heart with some happy words and friendly wishes and the little boost to help lighten your load.

My friendship is there for you.....with this deployment and when he is safe at home. Continued prayers.....from my family to yours.....and extra prayers to Chad and his fellow comrades!!

Our family supports you all 110%!!! God bless you all!!

fairylaura said...

((((((CHRISTY)))))) I'm here for you hun. This deployment is coming to an end for us soon... and it feels like just yesterday he left. The hole in our hearts will be filled when they return home. We have a king size bed and I have to sleep in the's so lonely. Take care.. and you are doing an awesome job. God bless.

PS..thank you so much for the comment you left me. It helps out so much. THANK YOU!


jckfrstross said...

Praying for you and yours:)


joolsinwa said...

Betty gave me the heads upon your journal, I will put you on alerts! Hang tough! God Bless, will pray for you too

sunalott said...

Betty let me know about you as well!  I'm glad she did!  I'm Laura from Tennessee and I have 3 girls that I raised alone--there were some very trying times!  Now I am a foster mom, so I'm still dealing with the battles of raising kids!  My heart goes out to you!  Please know, there are those of us who may not be there physically, but we're there with you!  Although I remained single while raising my girls, I remarried 6-1/2 years ago and I remember all too well the evenings and nights alone!  I too will have your posts sent my way so I can keep you informed that I will be in touch with you!                Laura

randlprysock said...

Awww, the terrible two's and four's.  I sure do remember those days.  Oh the mischief they could get into in just ten or twenty minutes.  The things they did in the back yard... and sometimes I found out much much later.  

I was going to say that I don't think it ends at 3, and they come out of it around 5.  Hold your ground and don't spoil too much, they will test you while dad is gone.  But be sure and balance with fun times.  Well, that's all the advice ya never asked for, right!?  Take it from another mom with two boys if ya want to, and throw out the parts ya can't use because every parent has to sort of feel their way through it, as I'm sure you know by now.  

We still have to yell sometimes, even with dad home and not in Iraq.  We may as well have him over there somedays by the way my boys can act up.  Courtney, she's the loudest one though.  To be heard.  She just wants to be heard.  Well a big hello to Chad if he can read this but you hang in there too Mom... it's so hard to be single parenting.  Hope you have some friends who will take the boys for you now and then so you can have some time to yourself once in a while.  Hugs,

meforevermore said...

Haven't yet experienced a lot of what you're going through, except being apart from the man you love. I've been in a long distance relationship practically since I met him. I know how hard it is. Wanting to see him and hold him. You will get used to it, but I won't say that makes it better. Just gets easier to handle.

Don't let the boys break you down! lol I know how little boys can be (grew up with one a year older and one a year younger lol) and I know it's HARD! But you can do it!

Sending out prayers.


deanfm6 said...

Oh sweetie!  I can totally relate to the terrible two's, three's, four's, eleventh's....oh wait...I'm supposed to be encouraging you.  

I remember going through those things with my first babies...TWINS!!  Brenden & Braden were 'supposed' to be taking a nap one afternoon..they were about 20 months old.  I was pregnant with Casey at the time and extremely tired and not feeling well.  I heard them playing around, but since they weren't crying, I figured they would be okay.  We had a gate at their door so they weren't tempted just to leave the room (plus they had a playmate and never tried to leave if the gate was up anyway).  I fell asleep on the couch for awhile then decided to get up.  It was pretty quiet down the hall, so I decided to check in on them.  The door was closed and when I opened it, this horrible stench hit me.  At first I thought they needed a diaper change, but then reality hit me.  They were butt naked and there was poop smeared ALLLLLL over the place.  On the beds, sheets, carpet, walls, toys, closet.  I think I completely lost it and melted in a puddle of tears right there in front of my poop covered boys.

I can't imagine doing it without the physical support of daddy though.  My heart aches for you.  I cry myself to sleep when Rob is just gone on a two or three day business trip.  Your strength and courage has truly been an inspiriation.  I'm so sorry that you are feeling sad and lonely.  My prayers are with you.  

God Bless!!!

deshelestraci said...

I am feeling your pain.  My husband has worked overtime for years and there are days (not lately, Thank goodness) when he doesnt' see the girls at all.  It is so hard not to have a break.  You have my sympathy and prayers.

princesssaurora said...


Just do whatever you have to do to get sleep.  If it means you all sleep together for a it.  If you have to undo it all later...that is fine... really.  Give yourself permission to change things while your hubby is away to make it easier...because parenting is hard... I have three of my own.

Your sacrifice and his will not be forgotten in my home... I send you prayers for to mom.

Be well,

mastersblynn said...

Hi Christy, hey my hubby is only gone for this week on a out of town job and i miss him so much.  I admire you for your sacrifice.  And about the boys. believe me when I tell you that you will miss this one day and it will all be a funny memoriy to laugh about.  My son got into the refrigerator one night and I found hi in the morning with a red face and cherry pits all over the bed.  Just be glad it was something that didn't stain everything. LOL You are a great mom and God will help you through. Barbara

cathvyse said...

Thanks for the reality check! You must miss your husband like crazy, and I pray that God will give you the strength to look after those two lovely boys of yours.

May God bless you and keep you all,
Cath xx
Pop over and visit my journal if you have time!

bamadiva31 said...

I got your link from Betty's journal ... lots of hugs. I'm a SAHM, Army wife, Homeschooler, my husband is deployed to Egypt until 9/06. It's not easy but we will make it. Erma

hopesingod said...

((((Christy)))) You and Chad (and the kids) are certainly in my prayers.   Hope the boys begin to settle a bit.  


dtbrierly said...

I was a single mom for 13yrs and I still can't imagine how hard it is for you.  My prayers are with you and your family.  God Bless


gabreaelinfo said...

My heart goes out to you. My son is stationed in AZ, but everyday we say a prayer and keep our toes and fingers crossed for him. He is our only child.


grahamfarmga said...

(((Hugs))) I'm sorry you are missing him. I hope it dont take long for the boys to adjust. Lots of hugs and prayers

bekahbutterflies said...

I remember those times all too well.  and still feel that way at times, even with him near.   I love you.  and you are all in my prayers.