Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Deployment Day 31: Reality from "the one left behind"

I miss Chad. I miss him terribly. I miss the campanionship of an adult coming home in the late afternoon, taking the boys to play, while I gather my barings, begin dinner, and just hearing an adult's voice in this house. So far it's not been to bad, but then there's nights like tonight where although I'm feeling tired, the thought of climbing into that empty, cold bed is bringing tears to my eyes. A queen sized bed is meant to be shared with the man that you love. It's cold here in Germany, I mean REALLY, REALLY cold. Even with all the radiators on high, there's still a slight chill. I want nothing more right now than to climb into bed and be able to just cuddle into Chad and have him pull me into him tightly as I drift off to sleep.

The boys are starting to show the effects of deployment, acting out a little more and not listening like well. Our youngest is in true 2 yr old form, so I shouldn't be so shocked at the antics he pulls at times, yet well I am. Our oldest at times I just look at him and feel like someone or thing has taken over him. Bedtime is the worst. It should be a peaceful time, and it's turning into our own little war, ok maybe more of a battle...but still it's truly NO FUN. I do not like raising my voice to them as they drift off to sleep or should be drifting off to sleep. I want the last thing they hear to be "Amen" and "I love you's" and kisses and hugs...not "GET TO SLEEP NOW, RIGHT NOW"...There are times I come out of their room and just cry, because I feel so utterly frustrated. I know it's their time to adjust and test their boundaries, I really know this is all normal, but when you're in the midst of it, it doesn't make it any easier when all you want is a 2 yr old to just STAY IN BED!

I doubt I'll ever understand the minds of these boys anyways, but between getting out the elmer's glue because they climbed to the top of a shelf and got out one of the art bags, which led to the 2 yr old getting dots of glue on the side of the bed, on his sheets, on one of the many horses he's obsessed with, on a book page, on his sheets, and evidently in his hair on on his chest (although the last two were not discovered until after he woke up from his nap and the back of his head was matted up from the glue and it was flaking off his neck and chest...ah nothing like 2 I tell you) What really amazes me is how quickly children do these things. I had JUST put them in their rooms this afternoon for their nap, I heard them still up just 3 or 5 minutes later and discovered the glue. I'm still in shock they managed to get the bag down, because it was up HIGH. It's distressing really.

Well there's just a little bit of reality from me, the one left behind, guess you got reality of the 2 and 4 yr old too.

BTW...Chad's on much more limited online time right now, I am hoping he will get a chance to update, but who knows. We are still getting to chat often, but we won't get to use the webcams for a couple weeks because the place he normally goes to, the unit that mans that is low staffed because they had to do more mission related things and well the fact is an internet cafe is not priority in a war zone...but I am thankful he at least has another place to go and chat and he can see US, which I really hope helps me!

Also, for those who are preparing care packages for Chad, please, please email me if I have not sent you his address. I know I'm a total flake on that to a few of you and I just ask that you forgive me. Thank you for caring enough to want to send Chad a smile and showing him that you care about what he's doing.

God Bless

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Deployment Day +28: Something to remember

Scanning the aol welcome page I saw something that most the time I honestly try to not read too much about, "Saddam's Trial" yet the reality is this is happening in Chad's backyard so to speak.

AOL News - Eight Arrested for Plotting to Kill Judge in Saddam Case


I don't watch the news much, because I know that they LOVE to show any bad that's happening in Iraq and pretty well seem to refuse to show all the GOOD that's actually happening, and all that does is tick me off and make me want to yell at the tv. I have better things to do. I hear first hand knowledge that's not being "edited" to make me feel one way or another...just giving me the truth. Yet the above still caught my eye, because although I do make a habit of watching the news, I'm not blind or death to it and do feel that it's my job to be at least somewhat informed "news-wise". It's truly disturbing that there are people out there still loyal to this psychopath. He's a monster and yet people for some reason or another are willing to take other people out for him.

I think we all need to remember that not only is this trial happening and that it does effect the Iraqi people in so MANY ways, but that much to Saddam's displeasure more elections are coming up. With those two thoughts, please be in prayer. Prayer that the terror that did strike during the last elections will at the min. be less or none would be better of course. Keep the Iraqi people who will be voting in your prayers, what they are doing is truly history in the making still and when I think of these people getting to go to the poles and vote, I feel this excitement inside of me for them. They are working towards a government that will truly, hopefully represent THEM. It may not be a government that we as American's would particularly want, but it's what they want and how can we not support that?! They already have freedoms that just 1 yr ago they did not! To think that nearly 4 yrs ago this war began and all the progress that's happened. There's tons of dwelling on what hasn't happened, etc...but so few look at what HAS happened! Before so many lived without electricity or running water and everyday the number of people without gets less and less. People do not have to live in constant fear that one of Saddam's followers is going to break into their house, kidnap their sons and/or husbands kill them and rape the wives and daughters. Schools are being built as quickly as possible, those children are reaping in benefits of LEARNING! There are so many more, it's just truly amazing to me that so many want to turn a "deaf ear" to the good. I don't understand why our country especially it seems THRIVES on the negative as a whole. It's like some just thirst to hear the bad, and get sick when they hear the good.

I just want to remind all of you that right now and in the next month prayers for the Iraqi's and our soldiers are most definately needed. Safety and God's protection is what I pray for. I can only truly speak for me when I say I apperciate the many of you who leave comments, who write me emails, who sit at home and pray for my husband, and who are in the process of sending  or planning on sending a care package. Thank you so much. To know so many keep my husband in their prayers and thoughts throughout the day is very humbling to me.

God Bless

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Deployment Day +25: Message from Chad

Chad emailed this to me today, unfortunately although the boys and I were home, we were cuddled up on the couch watching Wizard of Oz and I wasn't signed onto AOL....We pray all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving...

I hope you guys had a great Thanksgiving.  We had an ok one here.  Well this is what you could post to the journal.  Its finally time that the worked has kicked off and the rotation has just begun. We will be running supplies to our main body so they can continue their missions.  I'll be going out to them once in a while but not to much.  I'm here to support the troops when they need things.  I wish i could be more in depth of what we are doing here but well you know I can only say so much. Today is Thanksgiving here and some of the troops are loving it. By this I mean the newer soldiers get to see the officers serve them on gatherings such as this one.  Well I hope you all have had a Happy Thanksgiving and hope to continue to keep you posted for all the upcoming events.  God Bless you guys and keep the prayers rolling in for us..

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Deployment Day+20

I just got done chatting with Chad! He was on HIS laptop and set up his webcam so we all got to see him (the boys were still awake in their beds so I brought them out so he could see them and they could see him!) After I sent them back to bed I started to hear some noise and low and  behold I could hear from his side of things, so although he couldn't hear us because he needs to get a headset, we could hear him! I knew our oldest was still awake soI got him and he got to hear Daddy say "I love you" and a few other things! Oh it was sooo wonderful to not only hear him and not only see him, but to have both going on at once!!! I LOVE technology! We talked for over an hour!!!! YES! How awesome is that, that's the beauty of having your own computer over there, longer online time!!! I am guessing that if someone else with their own computer needed the free line, he'd have to leave before that hour, but I am NOT complaining! He's going to call tomorrow which will be so nice, then our youngest can hear daddy too!!! Yahoo!

There's some things that happened that's with in the bn, that's not good, definate prayers are needed. As of right now I can't get into it, but it's just really not good. When he got off, someone came in and they were having to close up the computer room, so most likely mortar rounds were being fired into camp or something like that. From last deployment that wasn't anything unusual and tonight that's only a speculation. I heard the "code" they called, but Chad didn't have time to tell me what it meant, said he'd tell me tomorrow. I still won't share it on here, but I think I'm probably guessing right.

I have to say he looked so good! He looks like he's already losing some weight. I have been missing him of course, but seeing his face tonight, made me really miss him. I want to just hold him in my arms so much. It's amazing how fast these feelings can overtake you.

I just thought of something some of you may not know. When the soldiers are not out doing missions and other "on duty" things, they still have to wear their uniform, carry a weapon, and be ready, the only other clothing they can wear is their PT's. So if you think you get tired having to wear a uniform to work or having to dress up everyday for work, think of the soldiers..they only take so many uniforms with them, now they do either have the option of washing their own clothing or sending them off to have someone else wash them (they get them back normally in about 48 hrs), but it's their uniforms and pt's nothing else. As a woman that'd drive me insane! I know even when Chad's home I get so tired of seeing the Army uniforms. I am going to guess that most of you know that the Army's got a new uniform, a few still wear the old BDU's, but now most are in or are moving to the ACU's. Chad and other soldiers say they feel like Pajama's (so comfort is there!), there's no sewing on the uniforms, it's all velcro, which has it's positives and negatives and there are kinks they are working out with them, but over all they are better. They were designed by fellow soldiers and have a lot of perks for the soldiers just zippers instead of buttons and more zipper pockets things like that! No more green and black. It seems odd, because in my lifetime it's always been the BDU's or DCU (dessert). Eventually all the other's will be phased out. Anyways my point is for years I'd be sick of seeing Green. I wanted him to get changed as soon as he walked in the door, but often he'd take off his boots and delight us in that stench that came from those (I think the majority of soldiers feet really really stink from those things too), so we'd have a nice gag-fest for a few moments until he went and washed his feet off (whew!) and then he'd take off his jacket and walk around in that ugly brown tshirt and his bdu bottoms. That would drive me insane! I just wanted to see him in "normal" everyday clothes! Of course since moving here, he'd gotten a lot better about changing into everyday clothes and it was nice! Now the poor guy is stuck wearing the same clothes day in and day out. No casual clothes. I guess the good thing is that the new uniforms are very comfortable so that's a perk for them at least.

I am going to ask Chad tomorrow when he calls to write an update for here. I'm a fast typer he's not so fast. God love him, he still looks at the keyboard and pecks! He's going to work on that though, so hopefully by the end of the deployment he won't have to look at the keyboard while typing and can just look at the screen and type faster! We'll see! If he accomplishes this I may have to think of some reward! LOL

God Bless and thanks for the prayers, thoughts, etc.

EMAIL ME if you'd like to send Chad or his soldiers care packages, and I'll get you his address!



Thursday, November 17, 2005

Deployment Day +18

Can you believe Chad's been gone half the month already. The time is going by quick so far. I've been keeping as busy as possible without making it feel like we're constantly going.

I got to chat with Chad yesterday. It's always so nice to know he's there on the other end of the computer talking to me. Technology is truly an amazing thing isn't it! To think that even at the last war in Iraq, much of the computer technology was still in its infancy and now look at us, we can have real-time conversations and can see each other, hear each other all on this wonderful computer screen!

Anyways, he's doing good, but exceptionally busy so he doesn't get a lot of time to be online or call, hopefully in the next week things will start to get a little more "regular" as far as schedules, etc and he'll have a little more time.


This week I've had a few more down days, actually they seem to hit me at night. I really miss just having that companionship, the other things I miss too, but just hearing his voice come into the door asking how my day's been. Those simple things.

I am going to try to do something new on here from here on out. There will most likely be times it's really easy for me to see some of the negatives that involves in a deployment, so I'm going to make sure I write 1 thing I'm thankful/greatful for, for that DAY. When Chad has a chance to read it, maybe it'll help him too, to see that I'm finding good in each day.

So what am I thankful for today.....that I have a beautifully sparkling kitchen. The sink is shining! That our living and dining room are EXCEPTIONALLY clean and at this point we could eat off the floor so clean! I had motivation to clean it this good (I watched my friends girls today and my neighbors baby too) so I wanted the house to look good and it does! I'm really proud of how it looks and proud that I worked so hard to get it looking this good and have every intention to keeping it this good. I know that if I stay on top of it, it's not hard, it's when I get lazy and let it slide. So I also have a goal to not let it slide. I plan on going through every room and making them look this good! Oh and the bathroom looks really good too! I cleaned the whole thing a few nights ago actually! So Chad if you're reading this, the bathroom looks AWESOME! The counters in the kitchen are all nice and clear and so is the window sill! The living room and dining room look AWESOME, you'd LOVE IT! :)

I am really hoping Chad can call in the next day or two. I miss hearing his voice and I know the boys do too. We take for granted how much we look forward to that time on the clock to come when they are home. I know, I take it for granted anyways. I take for granted how much he helps me from the housework to the kids. He's always went to the commissary or PX when I wasn't in the mood and I never had to twist his arm to do them, just normally asked one time and he'd do it. I know, he's an awesome man isn't he! I have found that so many men are not like him, and how blessed I am that God brought him into my life.

I really want to thank all of you for praying for Chad. I've seen God do so many extroidanary things and for the first time I'm finally just letting GOD control this. The peace I have is something I wish for everyone, truly. To finally accept that there's not a single thing other than praying that I can do. Chad's life is in God's hands and it always has been (as is ours). It's just coming to realize that and to quit fighting GOD trying to take that control from him, how foolish and arrogant we/I are.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, beautiful children, I know that even though our little girl isn't gracing this earth I KNOW where she is, safe in Jesus's arms! I have wonderful friends here and in the states, and Brazil! I feel the most blessed though, because I have the peace of salvation that Jesus is my savior and one day, one fine and beautiful day I'll be in Heaven with those I love and care about. From my precious girl to family and friends who left for some far too early.

I hope that those who are not in the military, you remember the families who do not have their loved one with them (and I'm not talking about because they're deployed) but because they gave the ultimate sacrifice for our country. They didn't go over there to die, they went there to serve their country. They went there to do their duty, and I believe at least most of them expected to come home to their families, but they didn't. It doesn't make any sense to me why. It breaks my heart into a million little pieces. We've lost amazing people in this war, some we've been so blessed to know, many we haven't. For each of their families I am praying for you. The holidays are NOT easy, I do know this, to lose your husband is something I honestly don't want to know. I don't. I want this man I love to come home. For so many though, whether it be their first, Second, THIRD, or how many Thanksgivings and Christmas's without that love, I pray for peace, gentleness of the days, and remeberance of the happy days and laughter.

To end, for those who are wanting to send Chad or via Chad care package (or for other soldiers who don't get much if anything) I'd been told at our meeting on Monday to start mailing on Tuesday, but Chad said to wait until the 20th...OH! Time to go, he's online! Time to devote my time to him!

God bless

Monday, November 14, 2005

Deployment Day+15:News from the front

Chad called late last night and they're in country now. He was exhausted, he'd been up since 4 am and it was 1 am Iraq time. To say he was exhuasted is of course putting it mildly! Since arriving he'd been working hard to get everything and everyone where they/it needed to be. He is hoping that he'll have a phone in his office (they told him he would, but it's the military anything can change!) if so he said that he could call me pretty often if that's the case, yeah and may have more online time too! Whew hoo!

He figured the next few days would be pretty hectic as he gets everything in order, etc. I told him I had felt the urge to pray for him and had asked everyone to do so, he said he needed those prayers, that he felt it was God alone that was holding him up at that point.

It's hard for me to hear that exhaustion in his voice, I don't know how he or any of the soldiers do it. Go on such little sleep. The job that he has this deployment is much different than last time, so he "should" get more rest, I guess really only time will tell on that one, but it looks positive on that side of things.

He said that when he has a moment to breath, he plans on writing something again for here. I think this is going to be a good release for him, as it is for me. I hope so anyways! :) He's a good man, a good soldier, a great dad and husband, and so faithful to our Lord. I sometimes sit back in awe of the man God brought into my life to be my companion, friend, and lover. God is so good.

We have a meeting tonight in about 40 minutes and hopefully we'll get the go ahead to start sending mail. If that's the case for those who've been in contact with me, we'll be able to start sending cards and packages out! Yahoo! I have some cards already and a trip to the commissary and PX would get a box ready to go, along with a couple extra things from home to send him! :) (ME! LOL)

God Bless

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Lets say some prayers

I haven't talked to Chad since Friday, but I know that there's some things going on with Chad over the next few days and just know he needs your prayers.

To answer Betty's question on the time that Chad has online, when he's using the military/MWR computers, yes they have a time limit...normally 15-20 minutes. If no one is waiting to use them, they can stay longer, but once someone comes up needing to use it, they have to get off. The phones are pretty well the same thing, but normally the line for phones is not as long!


Thanks for the prayers for Chad.

God Bless

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Deployment Day+14

Last night Chad was able to get online and chat! It felt like a huge gift that he got one TWICE in one day! I have to figure out what's up with my microphone and webcam and get that fixed so we can use them! We should have tested them out BEFORE Chad left, since when it comes to issue's like this, he can normally figure it out in about 5 seconds, I'm not so inclined that way! LOL I'm sure I can figure it out, honestly I'd just rather not!

He's doing good, and was in a great mood last night! I would read the messages to the boys and they'd respond back. It's not exactly the same, but hey it's better than what was available even 10 yrs ago!!

He said he plans on writing a longer update next time and thanks everyone for checking the journal, praying for him. He said thank you for praying for the boys and me also.

I have decided that I'm going to keep the computer on at all times now, just in case he pops on! I will just walk by it periodically during the day and shake the mouse so that the away sign doesn't go on immediately!

Well, that's about it from this side of things. Dinner is almost done.

Thanks for all the prayers and checking in once in a while! :)


Friday, November 11, 2005

Deployment Day +13 part 2: Chad's 1st update!!!!!

Here's the email Chad sent. I wasn't on the computer when he sent this about 45 minutes ago, grrrr lets say I'm VERY disapointed that I missed him actually ONLINE, but we'll get to chat soon I'm sure.

Here's Chad's update in HIS words:


Hey, Just wanted to let you all know how its going here. Well there is alot of training going on before you go north. Some of it feels teadious, but it is necessary. Well its real difficult to say how this deployment feels right now but I can say onething its very crowed here.  They are closing one base and moving them to a single base here.  It is extremelydifficult to get on the phones and the internet.  Well I want to thank all the people that are praying for me and that are giving their support it is greatly appreciated. As I continue to update you maybe you might be able to make a difference here. People can send their support and thoughts by sending care packages of varieties of little things to the soldiers here. I'm not telling you to do that but if you want all the support is appreciated.  Back to the views here. this place has had some changes to it for the good and some not so good.  I haven't went north yet but when I get there I will update this so you willget to know what the surroundings will be like.  I hope you will continue to pray for the deployed soldiers as well as for the families left behind too..  Thank you all.


I wanted to extend on this entry since I've recieved 2 comments already on some care pagage idea's. Please keep in mind that this is from my own personal list and we'd NEVER expect all of these items to be sent by people who don't KNOW Chad, I'm just going to C&P the list (it's me being very lazy! LOL) For those who are intimate friends and/or family these could be some idea's for you as well!

Easy Mac, Canned chips (pringles, etc), Canned salsa with the pop top lids, cups of soup, soup in a can, packets of condiments (from Burger King), Sardines (for other soldiers who might like these), tea bags, tea in the jar, powdered gatorade, pitcher (for gatorade and tea),hard candy, jerky, tuna fish (and/or the kits), Cheese Cracker's, Pretzels and Cheese packages, Cracker's (ritz, etc), easy cheese, raisins,suckers, gum, prepackaged cookies, speghettio's, fruit cups, salt water taffy, jelly beans, vienna sausages,


hand held games, deflated volley balls, air pump, decks of cards, poker chips, water guns, water balloons, dvd's, cd's, computer games, magazine's *** Side note here, if you would send magazines make sure that the content is appropriate that men and WOMEN are covered Iraq is a Muslim country*** ,writing paper, envelopes, pens, pencils, small note pad, photo album for 5x7 or smaller, emry boards, razors, shaving cream, batteries, cheap watches, sunglasses, bug spray, sunscreen, disposable camera, books,

Christmas items: small Christmas Tree, small ornaments/decorations, etc., stocking,


That's all I have on my list, and wish I could find my list from last yr when he was deployed! If anyone has idea's (Kelly you helped me last yr! LOL) place them in the comments and periodically if you guys would like I'll update it! I will not be posting Chad's address, but for some I will email it to you personally. Thank you to those who have already asked for idea's! If you'd like to send for many of them, one thing about my husband is he is VERY good about handing things out and giving to many. I'm sure that as time goes by there will be certain soldiers who hardly ever, or never get mail and he normally sends me the names and I try to send a card to them and a little small care package for them periodically!

Deployment Day+13: Veteran's Day

It is the Soldier not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press

It is the Soldier not the poet who has given us freedom of speech


It is the Soldier not the campus organizer who gives us freedom to demonstrate

It is the Soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.....

                 Father Dennis Edward Obrien memorial.html



This is one Soldier's Story. This is One soldier who's fighting for all of you.

We love you Chad, we're proud of you, and we THANK YOU for your sacrifices. We thank ALL the Soldiers for all their sacrifices and their families.

"Some Gave All....All Gave Some"


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Deployment Day +12

Chad called tonight! It's always good to hear from him! He sounded so tired. He's been going constantly. His day starts early with PT and he said quite often doesn't end until 8 or 9 at night. Hopefully things will slow down a bit for him and he'll feel like he can catch his breath. He said where they are at right now there's over 17,000 soldiers there and that the lines for phones and computer's are no less than 1 hr long most the time. He said the computer's are worse then the phone's, hence why he hasn't emailed me yet! The other night when he was able to get online, he said he waited over 1 1/2 hrs to get on! Insanity!!

It was still so nice to hear his voice.During the days I don't focus on missing him, but yet after I talk to him that longing to just have him home safe and sound is so intense.

Chad if you get to read this, I love and miss you so much. Right now it's quiet the boys are sleeping and the tv's off, just the humming of the computer. I miss the sound (get ready) of your heaving breathing/snoring . I miss crawling into bed and it already having that "warm" feel to it, because you're in there and knowing that if I'm cold I have a warm body to cuddle into. Our bed feels so big without you in it.

I think of you sleeping on a cot and how uncomfortable that must be, sleeping with all those other soldiers and the lack of privacy. So often I don't think about those little things. I can't imagine how it feels to not be at home. I've never gone without our children for more than overnight (and even then I'd seen them during the day and the very next day at our church's women's retreat this past April).

I wish so much we were together. I believe in what you're doing over there. I'm so proud of you. Your physical and spiritual and emotional strength. I'm proud that you're not afraid to show your emotions. I'm proud that you're strong in your beliefs and your faith. I am so proud that you're a soldier, even during the hard times.

Chad, you are my pillar of strength and you love me for being me. You treat me better than I deserve so often, when I'm being a jerk. Christ shines through you and I love you for that. I know this is personal and that I'm putting it all out here in a journal, but I want people to know what an amazing man you are.

You and our children have given me so much more than I ever dreamed in this life. I never thought I'd want to be a military wife. Now I can't imagine being anything but! It's not always an easy life, but it's the only life I know and I love it. I love you. Thank you Chad. Thank you for being a wonderful husband, father, son of God, and a soldier in our Army.

The next entry I'm sure will not be so "personal" but maybe this gives all of you a glimpse of the man you'll be learning about and who we're missing here.

God Bless

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Deployment Day +10: Missed Call

I missed Chad's call. I was at my friend's house for dinner and he called at 5:50 pm (I got there about 5) so we would have been sitting at the table about that time digging into a turkey roast, (which was sooo good btw!), mashed pot., corn on the cob (Jackson ate all of this, ok so it was the ONLY thing the kid ate from the dinner), and beer bread (from a company called Simply it!) and I made some banana bread that was just the perfect ending to the meal (Jack ate that too...Jacob ate everything from dinner, but was busy playing to have the banana bread).

I'm not sure how Chad is, I hope good. The boys and I are doing good. We did some errands today and the day really just flew bye, after we got home I made lunch and there was nap time, and then it was time to go, we got home, gave them a bath, read to them, and time to get into bed! Pretty uneventful lives here! LOL

One thing I "try" hard to do is not watch the news much. I TRY, but well seriously it's like it just calls out to me. When Chad was deployed the first time, I went to sleep nearly every night to CNN Headline News. I'm seriously not a huge fan of CNN, my favorite part is James Earl Jone's voice saying "This is CNN", rofl! I know I'm easily amused, those who love me already know this! LOL But that was the channel I just seemed to turn to when going to sleep, I guess because they repeat everything over and over so if I missed something it'd be on later! Here in Germany we're at the mercy of AFN and we get a little of all the cable news outlets and also get CBS,NBC, and ABC. We get the Today Show live which is nice! I prefer them for morning news, although it's on in the afternoon here! Either way, I don't follow my own advice and I go against probably every military wife's suggestion "Don't watch the NEWS all the time". Well this deployment I have gotten A LOT better, I don't watch it all the time, of course it's not offered all the time either and it's not a huge focus or maybe that should be obsession! I do catch it though, and so far no knots in the stomach. I credit GOD for that. I will give myself a pinch of credit for finally giving this to GOD and realizing that he's the one in control. I'm NOT, Chad's not. I have no control over what's going to happen in Iraq, and I definately have no control over what's happening to/with Chad. I just pray and let God take care of him. I know he is and will continue to do just that.

Today the boys and I went tothe commissary and they wanted apples (yes they cry for fruit vs junk, how cool is that! they DO like the junk stuff too, we're not perfect! lol) Anyways, Jacob was saying how many apples to get and he said "we'll get this apple for Daddy so he can eat it when he comes home". It broke my heart to have to explain to him, that it wouldn't be any good by the time Daddy gets home, but that he'll love that he was thinking of him. Although Jacob gets that Daddy's gone for a long time, a couple days is a long time for a 4 yr old, so a year is just far too much for him to comprehend.

I need to get a big calender again so I can write down everytime Chad calls and we can also mark off everyday that Daddy's been gone. I did this last yr and it helped us, so we could see how much we've gotten through and what we have left. I also have a world map that I plan on hanging up in either their bedroom or their playroom and I'm going to put a tack on Germany and one on Iraq so that Jacob can see where Daddy is.

Well, enough ramblings from me tonight.


BTW you might notice that I'm going to be keeping track of the days Chad's been gone in the subject line from here on out. I'm going to go back and fix the previous entries too!

Sunday, November 6, 2005

Day+6: Chad called

Chad called tonight. I actually missed 3 of his calls. He called the house twice and the cell phone once. I was at Awana, and had mistakenly left my purse in the nursery, so when he called the cell I of course missed it. When we got home about 10 minutes afterwards I was thrilled that he called again!!! He's doing good, just been really really busy. He's been going and going for the last few days, as the prepare to head off to the BIG sandbox.

Please understand that I am vague to exactly where he's at for his safety. He sounded great when he called and was really happy that the boys and I went on the retreat this weekend and had a good time. Of course at the end of our phone conversation our youngest son started getting sick, although he still had to say "hi daddy!" He talked to our oldest son too, who any other time has NO problems speaking up, but put the kid on the phone and he talks a level above whispering, it drives me CRAZY and the people he's talking to of course can barely hear him. I'm about to the point that if he can't speak up, he will not be allowed to talk on the phone until he can do it right. Works in progress!

Chad did get a moment to be online, but said he just had time to read a couple emails and then had to get off, he said he's hoping in the next couple days he will have time to actually write something, but this is a reality of the Army and deployments, they don't always have time to get online or even call. It stinks, but that's how it is. The last deployment this drove me insane, but so far this time I am more relaxed. I know that Chad would be emailing and calling more IF he could, but he has a job to do and he does it well. He said that he's being him, getting everything done as quickly and as well as he can, so he can just get it done (and have it done) but the problem is that he gets one job done and they come up with another one for him to do! That is how the world works isn't it! So he's really working hard and just so busy.

He knows everyone's anxious for him to write something, but he and I ask for patience and to just deal with me for now! :)

I am happy to say that a friend of mine has invited the boys and I over for dinner on Tuesday! She's making a lemon roast or a lemon roasted chicken, I can't for the life of me remember what it is...but I don't care...I am sure it'll be good and I don't have to cook it!! The boys love her kids, she has a little girl who's 2 weeks older than my oldest and a little boy who's about 6 or more months younger than my youngest. The like playing together and they're such good kids! This mom is one that I'm extremely close to and just really have felt a bond with since I met her! She's someone that will keep me in check and call me out , we all need that kind of true to the bone friend!

God Bless and we'll update soon!

Thursday, November 3, 2005

Day+4: No update from Chad yet

I'm waiting, waiting, waiting for an email from Chad. I know without a doubt that it's difficult for him at this point to find time online. I really hope he's taking advantage of getting as much rest as possible, because eventually rest isn't  going to always be an option, which actually brings me to what I want to share.

Sleep and rest and our soldiers, I don't think a lot of people realize just how little these guys go on, it's scary when you think about it. I remember during the last deployment Chad went for 3 days THREE DAYS without sleep, now I'm sure he caught a cat nap here and there, but to actually lay down in his bed and sleep for a few hours straight, that didn't happen. I am pretty sure that 3 days was the longest he went, but that's part of the reality. They go for days. I remember this particular one because he called me on the cell phone while the boys and I were in WalMart. Of course throughout the store in certain area's are dead spots and I was so scared I'd hit one of those area's, thankfully I didn't. What I did get was snoring on the other end of the line! My man was tired, no he was exhausted. He tried his best to talk to me, but the fact is he needed to sleep and let not only his body rest, but his mind as well.

These soldiers go through so much and lack of sleep is just one of the many battles they face. Sleep becomes a luxury at times. Now there are some job's where they get more sleep and some where they get even less (all I can say on the latter is YIKES).

As a wife, I worry about Chad not getting enough sleep. We of course all are becoming more and more aware of the dangers of not getting enough sleep (I know at this point my friend Kelly is laughing at me and saying HYPOCRITE...because I suffer from insomnia and am up very late most nights!), but I do worry about him and the other guys, because they're exhausted but with an amazing strength and determination they keep going, without sleep. They keep searching and protecting and just doing their job. As a wife, I want my husband to be safe and out of harms way. As an ARMY Wife, I know that can't always be possible in the physical sense. I know that he's in a dangerous place. I know that God is always with him and he's Chad's best Armor. I also know there's an enemy out there amongst  the good, and they're hard to spot. They aren't walking around wearing black and white hats.

I sit here in the safety of my living room, knowing that myhusband is in a place that most of us wouldn't even dream of going to with even the best of security and protection. I don't sit here feeling sorry for myself. I don't sit here weeping. I'm also not cold hearted or unfeeling. I miss Chad terribly, but get comfort from hearing his voice when he does get to call. I know that he's going to do his best to come home safe to us and not put himself or his soldiers in any harm if he doesn't have to. It's still not easy though. I'm not here to lie to you and tell you that it's always easy and I won't be lying and saying that it's always horrible. There's this feeling of not really normal, but yet I'm sorry I just can't seem to find the right word. We get into a routine. You accept what is happening at that point. I accept that Chad's not here and will not be for the next year or so.

I will sometimes have great days and sometimes have awful days. I won't and am not asking for others to say "cheer up" that's not what this journal is about. It's my perspective of life with my husband fighting in this war and hopefully SOON Chad's perspective of being in the war. I hope I can convey myself in a clear manner most days so that you can understand the feelings I'm having. I'll do my best and I know that Chad will! :)

Things are pretty slow right now and once Chad's able to get on and send an email and we get more into the deployment more things will posted.

God Bless

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Day+2: He called!

Just a short entry to say that Chad called! He sounded really good. He was able to get quite a bit of sleep, which I wasn't worried about anyways! The man can sleep! :) He's going to try to get online in the next couple of days and he said he'd write an update for here!


Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Day+1: Our Hero

Here's a couple pictures of Chad on the night he left. I haven't heard from him yet, but in the next few days expect to get a phone call and maybe even an email.

We are missing him like crazy and yet the feeling of pride I have for him is so overwhelming.

The last night he was here, I actually found myself getting snappy with him. I know how stupid, there he was just hours away from leaving us and I was getting snappy. I had no idea why, in my mind I just couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and felt immediate remorse and did eventually apologize. Chad being Chad of course forgave me immediately and just held me in his arms as I cried.

The feelings of almost loss because you know how much you're going to miss is, is so overwhelming. This isn't our first deployment and most likely will not be our last, so I know what I/we are up for. On my end with our 2 boys there's the single parenthood aspect. You know you're not really a single parent, yet you're doing all the work of a single parent. You are the only one that immediately you can count on. If one of the boys does something bad or just mischevious, you can't wait until he comes home. There's never a 4:30 or 5:00 to look forward to, so you can take that deep breath that somedays you just desperately need.

As a stay at home mom, there is no better job. There's also no more exhausting job. There are days when the boys are just that, boys. Crazy, running around, making me wonder if something has taken their bodies over (sometimes hoping something has!), when there's deployments (and even field problems) there's no one that's coming home at the end of the day. It can be overwhelming when I think 12 months of doing this on my own.

When I married this man, he was already in the Army. I should have known what I was getting myself into, but being a girl who had very little real exposure to the military, being from a very small town in the midwest, I was so naive when it did come to a military marriage. I knew there'd be field/training excercises, I learned about that a month before we got married, when he was gone for 30 days. At that time though, deployments were for 4 months or 6 months either to Bosnia or Kuwait or the big fear of 12 months in Korea, which is an unaccompanied tour, although if the spouce (and if you have children) desire you can go to Korea on your own expense, most don't go.

I've learned and experienced a lot in our marriage so far andin so many ways we've just begun this life together. I plan on celebrating our 50th anniversary together, so see the big picture is our marriage is still young and new. In reality we've probably already been married longer than at least half the people who married the year we did and we're actually happy together.

Iraq wasn't something I expected when we got married, but it's here and like it or not Chad's in this deployment...again. This is our 2nd deployment to Iraq (not sure if I told that or not), so we both have an idea of what to expect.

Some people will be surprised when I say this next part, but....I have complete peace in my heart over Chad going to Iraq. I know that Jesus is with him. That he will never leave him. I know that no matter WHAT happens to him, I will be with him again, whether it's what I prefer and in 12 months back here in our home and in my arms or in Heaven joining our little girl and him. I have no control over what is going to happen in the next 12 months, in all honesty I have no control over what happens ever, but God does give us free will, so if we want to do something stupid, we can. I know without a doubt that God is with our family. I'm so thankful for that. I can't imagine going through this deployment without leaning on him. God is my rock.

My biggest prayers are that God will bring home Chad alive and well to us, and that Chad will lean on Christ while he's deployed. I pray Chad's key focus is always our Lord, and of course his safety, doing his job to the best of his ability, and achieving the goals he sets for himself while he is over there. I look forward to seeing Chad grow while deployed. I know he will. He will and has in the past experienced things that most of us can only imagine. He's seen and heard things that most of us never will and most likely never want to see and hear. There are things that I just don't want to know, and Chad knows that. There are definately times that ignorance is true bliss.

With that, I'm anxious for Chad to email and share his feelings on everything so far. I am looking forward to having others see both sides of this experience from HIS experiences and from mine.

Until next time....God Bless