Saturday, December 10, 2005

Deployment Day +42: Prayers for Chad

I chatted a bit with Chad tonight, one of the last things he said was that in the next day or two, he plans to write and update and even wanted me to apologize for him not doing it sooner. I know all of you are understanding and realize I hope that lately especially time online has not been what it was in the beginning, we're now going sometimes just one day of not chatting, to at times many days. :(

It truly feels like a deployment for me and I feel like it definately does for him too. I need you to really be praying for Chad, not just his safety, but for his heart and his emotions. There's been a lot going on where he's at, and it's really bringing up memories of his friends who were killed there last yr when they were there. He's in the same area he was last year and that in itself is difficult for him, then add on that he lost 9 out of his company. The second group that died (it was 2 different groups..first time 4 were killed and the 2nd time 5 werek killed), anyways the 2nd group that died...Chad had called me because in the states it was still our daughter (who had died from leuekmia in 2000) it was her 7th birthday, he wanted to make sure I was ok, we'd never been apart for her birthday, and he was so worried about me (the man was in the middle of a war-torn country and he's worried about my emotional well-being). We talked for a while, remembering our precious and amazing daughter, then hung up. He was walking back to his barrack's room and he heard the explosion. He ran to find his Platoon leader, knowing that a group of our guys had just left to go out on a mission. The hopped in a vehicle and took off out the gate and were devestated to find that the small "convoy" you could call it that consisted of 4 or 5 tracks (sorry my memory is a little fuzzy on the amt) was going over a bridge, and a bomb was detinated and the 2nd track was blown up. When I saw blown up, I mean into pieces that was unrecognizable. These men were face to face with their brothers who they knew and loved, who were now dead. I can not imagine the pain, heartache, fear, and possible anger they felt as they looked at what had happened to their friends. The unit (and I'm just going to leave out the branch of military who was supposed to put these brave men into the body bags and carry them off the "battlefield" so to speak, they couldn't do it, they were getting sick, and asked these men who knew these soldiers who'd just been killed to carry them off, and so they did. How they did it, I will never understand. The strength that must have taken, at the sametime to know that it was soldiers who truly CARED about them speaks volumes I think. I'm not saying this just because one of those soldiers was Chad, but because I think as human beings to have to be put into that position to carry someone you carry who's barely if at all recognizable off the ground where they were just killed when 5 minutes earlier they were alive, very possibly laughing, talking about their wives, upcoming birth of their baby, the upcoming mission, etc....and now they were gone to Heaven, their battle truly over..anyways I'm just in awe.

Tonight though while chatting with Chad, I could tell something was bothering him. He said he just can't stop thinking about all of them...all 9 of them, but that certain ones just will never leave his mind. Sadly the last view he had of some of his friends are views none of us can ever imagine. He's told me the graphic details and honestly I could have lived without knowing how these guys who I had grown to care about and love ended up looking. He has a guilt that I'll never be able to comprehend, that surivors guilt. We've talked about a friend of ours who I know reads this, and the heartache he has for her and her children because she'll never have her husband back and those 3 beautiful children will never have their daddy back. He struggles understanding how and why, yet he continues, he believes, and he does his duty. Tonight, my husband is not so much in that "dark place", but he's fighting for sure to stay out of it. It's a place that I ache to see him in, and it's a place that I know I can't understand and I can't truly reach him in.

I feel very strongly we all have to grieve in our own way. Chad and I have lost our daughter, we know the ultimate pain and sacrifice. It doesn't make it any easier though when you lose a friend. I think in ways it's harder because we can truly relate to the pain they are or are about to face.

This is part of the Army life. There's past deployments, that will haunt you forever. There are those memories that you wish were just nightmares for yourself and for others. I wish with all my heart that my friend could have her husband back. I think of how I get lonely with Chad deployed, but I still get to talk to him fairly often, she doesn't ever get to see her husband type words back or hear his wonderful voice. It saddens me beyond belief. I admit between something happening to one of my boys or something happening to Chad, those are my worst fears. I know they're Chad's too.

Chad also shared that he's really, really missing our little girl. He aches for her. She had turned into such a Daddy's girl, and as much as it pained me at times when she chose him over me....he deserved that special time with her. He aches for her and he aches to have another little girl, who will NOT replace our daughter...but would give us the beauty of raising another little girl.

Tonight as I get ready to go to sleep, I'll be praying for my husband and I ask that you pray for him too. Pray for soft memories, of memories of him laughing and talking with these men, of beautiful memories of our little girl.

"Lord I ask that you wrap Chad in your loving arms. Let him feel peace in your safety, love, and promise of eternal life. I thank you for this man who's gentle, kind, tender, loving, who has a heart and is not afraid to show and share it. Thank you for allowing him to be able to express his sadness and confusion, when so often others try to shove those feelings and thoughts down hard and deep. Lord thank you for loving Chad, for giving us the promise that we will live in your Glory, forever and ever. In Jesus Name...Amen"

God Bless and thank you for coming, reading, and praying...




jckfrstross said...

Praying for chad. our son zach was in iraq and they lost 1 out of their unit and he still can't get over it. I think it does something to the mind. So i am praying for the whole family


mikalsgrl said...

Christy and Chad~

God bless you both and I pray (every night) for you both. I am not in Chad's boots....but God bless him for remembering his fellow comrades. Even in every days uncertainty...knowing that Chad still has their memory with him makes all of what they did for our country and the world a blessing. When Todd was in Kosovo they lost one soldier.....and to this day Todd keeps that boys memory within him and will share with me all about this young man.

To take the steps they take in being a also remembering those that we have lost.

Chad and you have the best little soldier looking from the heavens above and she is sure proud of all that she sees (I am sure of it).

Hang in there Chad & Christy....from my family to yours.....may you be blessed in knowing that we all care for you and support you~

missycal8 said...

Christy Chad in my prayers. We both know that this time of year is especially hard when you have lost a child and for Chad to be away from his children and his wife I am sure is extra hard. And than for you to be without your husband..
God be with you both and protect chad and keep him safe
michelle - Angel Katies mom

lv2trnscrb said...

Lord, I ask that you watch over Chad. Protect his heart; protect his mind, help him Lord to feel your presence there with him. Help him to feel peace, Lord, and comfort and strength that can only come from you. Help him Lord to resist the enemy who is whispering to him discouragement and fear and loss and replace it with joy, comfort and strength. Draw him close to you, Lord, hold him in the palm of your hand.

Be with Christy, Lord, and help her to feel your strength and love too. Give her the wisdom and the words to talk with Chad to understand what he is going through and to be able to comfort him while he deals with the stress and strain of being in Iraq.

In Jesus name we pray. amen


louie0768 said...

I too extend my prayers to you and Chad daily. To give you both strength and courage to face the coming day. God bless you both and your precious little children for all that you do and sacrifice for myself and my family. You are in my thoughts Christy. Always......

bekahbutterflies said...

I am keeping both you and Chad in my prayers.  I don't know how difficult this is for you, i can only imagine.  My prayers are lifted up for you.  
Father, Give both Chad and Christy the strength that they need to get through this time.  Chad the strength that he needs as he struggles with the painful memories of lost friends in a place he has been before.  Christy for strength as she sees her husband in so much pain.  Give her the words that she needs to encourage him and lift him up.  Wrap them both in your arms, as I know you are........

grahamfarmga said...

What a strong man. I pray the lord will hold him close

deshelestraci said...

What a heavy entry.  You two have so much to bear right now.  I pray that Jesus would lift those burdens and give you peace.

cojlisa16 said...

Oh Christy.  I am in tears here.  Not just from your post, but from reading the loving thoughts and prayers posted by your loved ones.  It is so encouraging and uplifting to feel the love of such faithful people.   I  pray that both you and Chad feel the love and strength of our Heavenly Father and are comforted by His promises.   I also pray that you feel a sense of peace and joy as you recall the wonderous life of your precious Jordyn.   I love that little angel too!  She has blessed my life beyond words!

angcrewswife said...

Ok, Im crying. I will pray tonight before I go to sleep for god to please send chad the memories you have asked for as well as to grant serenity in his heart and the strength to keep fighting even when things seem the worst. Keep your head up Christy. You are a strong and wonderful woman and I feel truely blessed just being able to read and comment on your journals. Take Care and hug those babies!

lindablaisnc said...

Hi Christy. This is the first time I have read your blog.I didn't read all of it, just enough to know, your family needed my prayers. I will be praying for you and your family I understand what it's like to have a husband in Iraq.
Take care.